Here's what I think through week 2:

• The Patriots are for real...Well they were never fake, but maybe their coach really isn't as good as everyone thinks...
• The Saints are back!
• Chad Pennington - You're a good guy...A true professional, someone to look up to, and treat the game with respect. All that means nothing now - The Kellen Clemons era began on 9/16/07
• On a similar note...I've been saying nothing good happens when you throw the ball to Justin McCairins, yet the Jets keep doing it. Asinine.
• 1/8th through the season and San Francisco looks like the real deal...But call me when we're 9/16ths through the season...
• If not for the Bears' Defense and Devin Hester, Rex Grossman would be Akili Smith
• Detroit is the most fun team to watch this season.
• To know what a loser David Carr is, is to watch the Houston Texans in 2007.
• You hear all that buzz and chatter about the Giants still making the playoffs this year? Yeah, it’s because you live in New York. Fuckin’ Giants’ fans.
• “Hi I’m Michael Vick. I’m the one responsible for taking the Falcons offense with me to jail.” 10 points in two games!?! Oh my lord.
• Speaking of ineptitude…Hello Kansas City. After a loss this week in their home opener, do what you can to find the Herman Edwards press conference on the internet. Chiefs’ fans should pay more for that than to attend a game.
• I’m serious when I say that if the Bengals cut their entire defense and remade it right now with all street free agents it would be better. My argument?
• Derek Anderson: 5 TD’s
• Jamal Lewis: 200 yards, 2 TD’s
• Kellen Winslow: 100 yards & a TD
• Joe Jurivicious: 2 TD’s
If any of them did that in a game against me I’d call for the wolves, but that all happened in the SAME GAME!

• Matt Hasselbeck & Shaun Alexander should really practice hard on…you know…handing the ball off.
• I don’t know if Lane Kiffin can coach, but I sure know Art Shell can’t.
• Norv Turner already has the look of a guy who’s going to be fired at the end of the season. Watch him.
• The line for the 1st game Clinton Portis will miss is week 6. Who wants some action?
• Cadillac Williams…You’ve done enough. Take the rest of the season off.
• I still wish Kevin Everett only the best

Yes, the prodigal son has returned. After a long hiatus, I am back and cynical as ever. I took the break because I started working 60-70 hours a week and to be honest, just got bored...Really, how much ridicule can one pile on Isiah Thomas (For the record, this was written prior to the Denver/NY melee)? And away we go...

What three bowl games shouldn’t be missed?

1) Rose Bowl – USC vs. Michigan: Booty vs. Henne, Smith & Jarrett vs Manningham…O. J. Simpson vs Tom Harmon, Carson Palmer vs. Elvis Grbac, Mike Williams vs. Desmond Howard, Charles Woodson vs. Troy Polamalu, John McKay vs. Bo Schembechler, Big 10 vs. Pac 10…..great matchup. I can only hope that Keith Jackson comes out of retirement.

2) National Championship – Ohio State vs. Florida: Quick…..name three starters on Florida……Chris Leak, Andre Caldwell, Tim Tebow (no, he doesn’t start)……..um, Joaquin Noah? Sighhhhh. This is the right match-up (sorry, wolverine fans) but is any non-gator or buckeye alum really excited? I prefer the Greg Oden/Al Horford match-up on Saturday.

3) Hawaii Bowl – Hawaii vs. Arizona State: Every year, there is a game where the over –under should be about 80. Welcome to the 2006 version. The end of Dirk Koetter’s reign in Scottsdale will jumpstart Colt Brennan’s 2007 Heisman campaign.

Will the number of non-alumni watching these games break 100?

1) Tie: MPC Computers Bowl - Nevada vs. Miami:
Emerald Bowl – UCLA vs. Florida State:
For the love of God PLEASE stop televising Miami and Florida State. I would rather watch Middle Tennessee State, East Carolina or some other mid level conference team than these two boring, undeserving embarrassments.

2) Motor City Bowl – Central Michigan vs. Middle Tennessee State: But not by much...

3) PapaJohn’s.com Bowl – South Florida vs. East Carolina: Introducing the 2nd best team from Florida this year...and my new favorite bowl name since the Poulin Weed-Eater Independence Bowl has bitten the dust.

Last week, ESPN televised a mythical tournament of the greatest college football teams of the modern era, won by 1995 Nebraska over 1971 Nebraska. While, I can’t really compare the teams prior to 1980, I will contribute my two cents on the topic.

3 best teams of the last 25 years:

1) 1995 – Nebraska: Led by the greatest option quarterback of our generation, the Tommy’s (Osborne & Frazier) cruised through the regular season before stomping the Florida Gators 62-24 in the championship game. As Frazier’s brilliant final run completed the blow-out, Steve Spurrier’s facial reactions would be an eerie foreboding for his three years in Washington.

2) 2004 – USC: USC beats Oklahoma in the 2nd game of the century (Amazing since the century has been existence for 7 years) 55-19, enough said. The talent on this roster but it would take up another two pages.

3) 1994 – Penn State: Who? Led by Kerry Collins and Ki-Jana Carter, the Nittany Lions were absolutely dominant in a 12-0 regular season before routing Oregon in the Rose Bowl. Unfortunately, Nebraska would win a disputed national championship due in part to Tom Osborne’s failure up to that point to win a title.

3 least deserving championship teams of the last 25 years:

1) 1990 – Colorado: A team with a loss and a tie is not normally considered title- caliber. However, Colorado also won on a 5TH down (yes, look it up) against Missouri in the final seconds. Coach Bill McCartney, when asked about whether the game should be forfeited, stated that he considered this option but decided against it because “the field was lousy”. Hey Bill, is honesty a christian virtue as well? The Buffaloes would beat Notre Dame due to a disputed clipping penalty on a Rocket Ismail kickoff return in the Orange Bowl and “claim” the national championship.

2) 1993 – Florida State: As much as I hate to defend Notre Dame, there is no question that the Fighting Irish were robbed of the National Championship in 1993. Though the Seminoles were led by Heisman winner Charlie Ward, they would lose to Notre Dame during the regular season and would be outplayed by an under manned but gutsy Nebraska team in the Orange Bowl. Only a few dubious calls would grant Bobby Bowden his first national championship.

3) 1984 – BYU: Beating a 6-5 Michigan team in the Holiday Bowl does not exactly conjure memories of the great champions of the past, does it?

Please explain these free-agent signings:

1) Gil Meche – Kansas City: An organization that refused to spend money to keep Johnny Damon or Carlos Beltran is paying $55 million on a pitcher who has never thrown 200 innings or won more than 15 games in a season. No wonder the Royals have been the biggest joke in the MLB over the past two decades.

2) Juan Pierre – Los Angeles: $44 million for a powerless, weak-armed centerfielder is confusing. With the Dodgers’ excess of outfield riches in their farm system, this is mind-boggling.

3) Jason Marquis – Chicago (NL): $21 million for a pitcher with a 6.02 ERA playing on the World Series Champions. Enough said...

Rocky Balboa or Mason Dixon?

Rocky beat the Russian and an HIV positive Tommy Morrison. Mason got his ass kicked by a 40 year old middleweight who had been beaten in his prior two fights. Personally, I think Clubber Lang would destroy either of them but is too busy working on a reality show.

10 sports-related wishes for 2007.
1) My revenge against the Schwab…..
2) Joe Paterno’s healthy return…..
3) A watchable pre-game show …..
4) Tiki Barber rescinding his retirement announcement or at least working for a station not owned by Rupert Murdoch…..
5) Oscar De La Hoya vs. Floyd Mayweather reaches its potential…..
6) Norm Chow finally receives a head coaching position; preferably for the NY Giants…..
7) Notre Dame continues to beat the armed forces, loses every major game, and renegotiated Charlie Weis’s contract again…..
8) The continued evolution of Sidney Crosby, Freddy Adu, James Blake and Jermaine Taylor…..
9) A boycott of anything related to Barry Bonds or Terrell Owens…..
10) A Maryland national championship in 2007 (I did say wishes)…..

Some random thoughts…..

Tank Johnson’s bodyguard was recently murdered at a nightclub. Why does a guy named Tank need a bodyguard…..If there is a Longest Yard sequel, all of the extra’s would be played by members of the Cincinnati Bengals or Portland Trailblazers…..I am an ACC mark, but the college basketball game that I want to truly see is Ohio State vs. Wisconsin, unfortunately (or fortunately) Dick Vitale will be announcing Duke vs. Canisius…..Has anyone watched a single minute of the NBA or NHL so far this season…..How does it the US soccer association take 6 months to hire an INTERIM coach…..Who will get more play in 2007 - Derek Jeter, Tom Brady or me…..J.D. Drew – ha, ha, ha, ha……Congratulations to Isiah Thomas for finally bringing some of the “Bad Boy” Piston mystique to the Knicks. I am not sure if that relates to the fighting when being down 20 in the final minutes or just being bad but at least it is a step in the right direction. (Okay, I had to do one Isiah line)……Goodbye and congratulations to Lindsay Davenport on her upcoming pregnancy…..

A few bowl picks and I am done:

Texas A&M +5 against California
Oregon State – 4 over Missouri
Texas Tech – 7 over Minnesota
Tennessee – 6 over Penn State
V Tech +3 over Georgia
West Virginia -7 over Georgia Tech
Boise State +8 over Oklahoma
Michigan +2.5 over USC
Florida +8 over Ohio State

OK – I am a bit out of practice and we are going to screw around with the format but this was a lot of fun to write. I am not sure how this blogging thing works but if you have a comment – bring it on……email theragingmiser@gmail.com

RM

Fantasy/Pro/College Overview

Fantasy Top 5’s

QB’s
1) Peyton Manning – The king of the throne until proven otherwise
2) Carson Palmer – Runs the most complete offense in the NFL
3) Tom Brady – If I was his #1 receiver, he would still throw for 25 td’s
4) Jake Delhomme – Great 1 & 2 receiving punch, mediocre running game
5) Donovan McNabb – Nobody has done more with less

Overrated
Byron Leftwich – great leader, mediocre fantasy qb
Underrated
Chris Simms – finally has the respect of the veterans and a solid receiving combination
Hold Your Breath
Kurt Warner – big heart, great receivers, brittle body

RB’s
1) Shaun Alexander – Losing Hutchinson will hurt but still a TD machine
2) LaDainian Tomlinson – The best running back in football
3) Larry Johnson – Losing Willie Roaf and Tony Richardson will be a slight deterrent
4) Steven Jackson – Will flourish under the new offensive philosophy in St. Louis
5) Ronnie Brown – No Ricky Williams, no problem

Overrated
Edgerrin James – A terrible offensive line will greatly hamper his stats
Underrated
Warrick Dunn – If he played in a bigger football market, he would be Tiki Barber
Hold Your Breath
Clinton Portis – great running back in a well-fitting offensive philosophy, but how long until his return?

WR’s
1) Steve Smith – Even better with Meshawn on the other side
2) Torrie Holt – The most underrated offensive player in the NFL
3) Chad Johnson – Great talent, fantastic quarterback, enjoyable celebrations
4) Larry Fitzgerald/Anquan Boldin – So talented, so young, wait til next year
5) Terrell Owens – My mother always said that if I had nothing nice to say…..

Overrated
Randy Moss – Aaron Brooks, enough said
Underrated
Chris Chambers – Let’s see what he can do with a real quarterback
Hold Your Breath
Plaxico Burress – Million dollar body, ten cent head

TE’s
1) Antonio Gates – Will continue to prosper with Philip Rivers
2) Jeremy Shockey – His work ethic is starting to match his mouth
3) Jason Witten – How does Parcells always end up with tight ends of this caliber
4) Tony Gonzalez – The decline of the prototype has begun
5) Chris Cooley – With a real QB, his rating would be higher

Overrated
Bubba Franks – How is he still playing
Underrated
LJ Smith – The best receiver in Philly
Hold Your Breath
Kellen Winslow Jr. – I hope he is done with motorcycles

Defense
1) Chicago – Adept at forcing turnovers, weak division
2) Pittsburgh – Are they ever off of this list
3) Carolina – best front 4 in football
4) Seattle – see number 1 with less talent
5) Philly – Back with a vengeance after last year’s debacle

Overrated
Cincinnati – Aren’t they all in jail?
Underrated
Atlanta - Always seem to keep the team in the game
Hold Your Breath
NY Giants –Will force many sacks, but the schedule is brutal

Kickers – I don’t do kickers

Playoff Predictions
NFC Wild Card
Atlanta over Dallas
NY over Chicago

Divisional Playoffs
NY over Seattle
Carolina over Atlanta

Conference Final
Carolina over NY

AFC Wild Card
Jacksonville over Denver
New England over Pittsburgh

Divisional Playoffs
Cincinnati over Jacksonville
New England over Indy

Conference Final
New England over Cincinnati

Super Bowl
Carolina over New England

Awards
MVP – Tom Brady
Offensive Rookie of the Year – Laurence Maroney
Defensive Rookie of the Year – A.J. Hawk
First Coach to be Fired – Marty Schottenheimer
Defensive Player of the Year – Julius Peppers

College Football
Rose Bowl - USC vs. Ohio State
Fiesta Bowl - Texas vs. Florida State
Sugar Bowl - Florida vs. Notre Dame
Orange Bowl - Miami vs. Michigan

BCS Championship
Auburn Top Running back, great defense finally puts them over the top.
Over
West Virginia. This would have been Louisville if Michael Bush did not break his leg

Heisman Trophy
1) Mike Hart, Michigan – Clinches the trophy with a stunning performance against Ohio State
2) Adrian Peterson, Oklahoma – Great player, no supporting cast
3) Troy Smith – Dual threat will split votes with Ted Ginn, Jr
4) Drew Tate – Tough gutsy leader leads a solid Hawkeye squad
5) Brady Quinn – Great talent, great supporting cast, but too much hype?

Ok, I am back….After a three month hiatus, I have decided that writing this column is preferable to watching “Last Comic Standing” or three hundred consecutive episodes of the World Series of Poker. Maybe I write because it’s my passion, more likely it is due to a 300% salary increase and a dinner at Tao.

Does anyone really care about Barry Bonds besides for people from San Francisco and producers on ESPN? Now, I understand how 80% of the country feels about New York/ Boston…..Can anyone name three players on the Detroit Tigers? Welcome back, Jimmy Leyland…..Does anyone else think that the Mets regret the Scott Kazimir/Victor Zambrano trade….Man, I miss Anna Benson…..Isn’t it nice to think that the best players in baseball are actually drug-free…..I still would not elect Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, or Rafael Palmeiro to the HOF……It’s over, Dusty…..How can every team in the NL West be over .500 and yet be completely mediocre…..Roger Clemens – go be a Red Sox, a Yankee, an Astro, a Cleveland Monarch, a Harlem Globetrotter, a professional rodeo clown, an astronaut – I really don’t care, just make a decision…..

Joe Theisman calling Ricky Williams “a disgrace to the game” makes me wonder why people would listen to an individual who once changed the pronunciation of his name to rhyme with Heisman. The only person with less business announcing sports is Ahmad Rashad….Houston passed on the most elusive running back since Barry Sanders or the opportunity to trade down and take a desperately needed offensive linemen to draft a defensive end that took way too many plays off for NC. State – that should put fans in the seats…..Why does anyone care about uniform numbers..…

Stephen Marbury wants to “Die a Knick” – fill in your own joke…..I wanted the Heat to lose just to watch Pat Riley suffer – damn…..This is the best NBA playoff since the Lakers/Celtics/76er’s series’ of the mid-80’s……Donald Sterling, great run – now BRING BACK SAM CASSELL…..Buffalo, Anaheim, Carolina, Edmonton – with these markets being represented in the Stanley Cup Conference Finals, the Outdoor Life Network will be overtaken by Lifetime in the 18-49 male demographic……Is the French Open currently underway – Yes, Will anyone have heard of the male winner – probably not……

Predictions
Jose Luis Castillo KO 8 Diego Corrales
Jermaine Taylor UD Winky Wright
Bernard Hopkins SD Antonio Tarver


World Cup – “And Yes, I do follow the sport well enough to actually make predictions”

Knockout Rounds

2nd round	Round of 8	Semifinals	Finals	Winner
Germany Iran Ecuador Portugal Australia Ukraine US France	Ivory Coast> Sweden Switzerland Czech Republic	England Spain	Argentina	Brazil

A sad goodbye to Craig “Ironhead” Heyward & Steve “The Miz” Mizerak

OK – I am a bit rusty but its fun writing this column again…..Comments, Questions, Responses – send an email at theragingmiser@gmail.com

Until the Big Dance, this is TRM

TRM

no rant - just my college basketball stuff.....

Player of the Year - JJ Redick, Duke
Coach of the Year - Ben Howland, UCLA
Freshman of the Year - Tyler Hansbrough, UNC
Easiest Run to the Final Four – UCLA
Biggest Upset if you have real guts – Oral Roberts over Memphis
Biggest Upset if you don’t – Winthrop over Tennessee
Coach that will go big time following this tournament – Mark Turgeon, Wichita State
Most Surprising Sweet 16 team – Wisconsin-Milwaukee
Most Overrated Seeding – Montana, Tennessee
Most Underrated Seeding – GW, Xavier
NIT Winner – who cares?????

All-American Teams.....
1st Team	2nd Team	3rd Team
JJ Redick, Duke Adam Morrison, Gonzaga Tech Nick Fazekas, Nevada Brandon Roy, Washington Sheldon Williams, Duke	Leon Powe, Cal Lamarcus Aldridge, Texas Allan Ray, Villanova Craig Smith, BC Randy Foye, Villanova	Terrence Dials, OSU Paul Milsup, Louisiana Steve Novak, Marquette Tyler Hansbrough, UNC Mike Gansey, WVU

And the Big Dance will go like this…..
Out in the…..

2nd Round	Sweet 16	Elite 8	Final 4	Runnerup	Winner
UNC-Wil Texas A&M Iowa NC State Bucknell Kent State SDSU Marquette UAB Illinois UNC Winthrop Arizona Nevada Florida N. Iowa	LSU Texas Gonzaga Memphis Washington Wichita State Wis-Mil BC	Duke Kansas Michigan St. OSU	WVU UConn	UCLA	Villanova

 

Miss me?

Top reasons why I haven’t written a rant in a few weeks…..
1. Interviewed for the Knicks GM position …..
2. Shot my gat with Sebastian Telfair…..
3. Smoked “something not marijuana” with Ricky Williams in India – Oh, I forgot he is clean…..
4. Worked security for the Florida State/Duke basketball game…..
5. Prepared for the 2010 Olympic curling events – Vancouver, here I come…..
6. Still waiting for Nate Robinson to finish a dunk…..
7. Helped Vince Young study for the Wonderlic Test…..
8. Led a drug raid on the Austrian Ski team…..
9. Went out boozing with Bode Miller …..
10. Negotiated the trade of Bob Costas to FOX for $ 24 million and the rights to American Dad and Family Guy…..

Bryant Gumbel stated that one of the reasons he won’t watch the Winter Olympics is his incredulity about how the “best athletes” would be in Torino “Despite a paucity of blacks with that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention”….. If the criterion for watching sports is racial profiling, then I will never see another NBA game….. Hey Bryant, go watch Everybody Hates Chris…..

The Olympics are over – at least Scrubs is back on TV….This was the worst Olympics since St. Moritz in 1924…..Outviewed by Lost – ok, American Idol – makes sense, but Dancing with the Stars????? Being outdrawn by Jerry Rice wearing an afro is not why NBC paid 356 trillion dollars…..The three major problems (Four if you include Bob Costas’s haircut – he looked like he was 12) (1) All outcomes were on the Internet or ESPN well before the events were televised…... (2) 36 hours of curling – simply wonderful….. (3) Name a positive story about an American …..The catfight between the speed skaters, Lindsay what’s her name that blew the gold to showoff her mad snowboarding skills, Bode (don’t call me Dan or Dave) Miller – well at least he had fun, the classy way Mike Modano handled the US hockey performance, or my personal favorite – Johnny Weir blowing a medal opportunity due to a dirty floor, a lack of room service and an inability to read a bus schedule…..When the biggest American star is a Napoleon Dynamite look-alike winning a medal that looks like a Dunkin’ Donut in a sport that does not belong in the Winter Olympics, this is just not encouraging…...Ironically, I am stating all of the negatives during a game when the US actually performed relatively well, trailing only Germany in both gold and total medals….. In the spirit of equality, here were the best things about the Torino Games (1) the 3rd period of the Sweden-Finland gold medal game (2) Joey Cheek donating his financial winnings to charity after winning the gold medal (3) the lighting of the Torch (4) the Italian Alps (5) and of course Tanith Belbin …..

Jon from New York - You need to rant about the Francis trade now, the Knicks need Rodman. As their new GM…..

What can I say about this trade that has not been stated repeatedly by Peter Vescey, Mike Lupica and every sports radio talk host across the country? The rumor is that this trade was to amass the components to trade for Kevin Garnett. Can anyone really see Minnesota giving up Garnett for a selfish ballhog (either guard) and a promising power forward who may have ½ of his talent in Channing Frye? Me either….. As for the Rodman idea, I love it!!!! His first move would be to sign himself to a player’s contract and then promptly trade himself to Miami for an overpriced power forward in Antoine Walker and a selfish point guard in Jason Williams. You can never have too much of either. Besides, I would love to see Rodman play for Pat Riley…..

Eddie Sutton, best of luck in your recovery…..I hate to admit it but UConn is the most talented team in the country…..Did anyone think Tyler Hansbrough would be this good, this quickly…...Only Missouri could be investigated for actually firing a coach…..Indiana’s top 2 choices for their coaching position are an under 500 coach in the same conference and a GM who has destroyed 2 NBA franchises and the entire CBA league, I wonder if the coach at Texas Tech would be available…..If Texas can dominate Kansas this easily despite a subpar performance by Daniel Gibson, they should be the 4th #1 seed…..But if Memphis grabs that seed, I think we may be looking at the 1st 1/16 upset in NCAA history…..

Did baseball ever end…..The World Baseball Classic – great idea, 8 months too early…..Is there anyone actually left in the event…..Roger Clemens brushed back his son after Kobe hit a homerun off of him in spring training – I hope he is not expecting much of a Father’s day gift…..Did Leo Mazzone ever get offered a managerial opportunity and if not why….. Congrats to the 1st woman and all of the Negro League players inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame but how did Buck O’Neil not get chosen…..Frank Thomas, please shut up…..

Predictions for the WBC
1) Venezuela
2) Dominican Republic:
3) United States

THE GOOD Goodbye to Curt Gowdy, simply the best play by play man ever….

THE BAD Fernando Vargas’s eye following his 10th round TKO loss to Sugar Shane Mosley…..

THE UGLY Barry Bonds as Paula Abdul in “Giants Idol”….

Congrats to JJ Redick, Shane Mosley and most impressively to Jason McElwain (the autistic 3 point shooting extraordinaire)…..

Goodbye to Kip Wells, Gary Waters, Todd Hays, Fernando Vargas (as a legitimate championship level fighter) and to future cellmates Maurice Clarett and Lawrence Philips…..

Questions, Comments, Opinions……email theragingmiser@gmail.com

Until the Big Dance, this is TRM

And we’re back….
I am proud to say that I did not watch a minute of pregame hype – the WPT marathon was much more interesting….. Harrison Ford - give up on the earring, the fad ended about the time of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade....So Joe Montana asked for an $100,000 appearance fee to attend the Super Bowl, that’s okay – it’s not like the NFL ever did anything for him….. As for the game - badly coached, miserably played, atrociously refereed but at least I got to watch the lingerie bowl at halftime as well as a commercial about Godzilla and a robot giving birth to a Hummer……
A technical against the Seminoles so miserable that the refs were suspended, a horrible call on Boston College that ended their hopes of a victory – is everyone outside of Tobacco Road tired of this crap.....When did Seton Hall and Tennessee reappear on the basketball map.....Take 30 seconds and read the Jim Jacobs article from the Hartford Courant – his feelings on Jim Calhoun are obvious, truthful and legitimate. I wish more people had his guts…..Is it actually possible that the ACC may get less teams into the tournament than the Missouri Valley Conference…..I don’t care if every team from the SEC makes the Big Dance – they will win less than 3 games cumulatively…..Bigger disappointment - Wake, MD or Washington....Actually I am thinking the Huskies......Boring fight by Castillo - we are waiting for the rematch against Corrales…..The opening ceremony of the Torino games - can anyone name 10 athletes involved? I will watch the four final episodes of Arrested Development on Fox instead......Why should any Piston be voted to the All-Star game, they are only 39-7..... Now that the Knicks have traded Antonio Davis and have space for another useless power forward, is anyone else thinking that Isiah should bring back one of his BAD Boy teammates who recently played in England? Forget that he is 46 years old – Dennis Rodman and NYC, so perfect together……

Chatter from the Front Row…..

Gregg from NY - Good rant. I don't love your Steeler comments - but most are probably right. I'm sure anyone who isn't a Steelers fan is so sick of all the Bettis stuff by now. The disrespect stuff is even annoying to me.
One thing - Tim Lewis - are you joking? The guy is a f--ing moron. He was a terrible defensive coordinator in Pittsburgh - at least his last two years. They played soft zone coverage for years and never once stopped a good NFL QB (look at Brady and Gannon's games to start to 2002 season: T.Brady 29-43-0-294, 3 TD, R.Gannon 43-64-2-403, TD). He had no idea how to disguise a blitz, or to make adjustments during a game. Pittsburgh ranked 15th and 16th in points allowed his last two years - with a lot of the same guys they have had the two years since he left (Kimo, Casey, A Smith, Porter, Foote, Farrior, Hope, Polamalu (03 - was clueless the whole year, mostly bc of horrific coaching), Townsend). He has Deshea Townsend as a backup corner for all four years, and played Dewayne Washington and Chad Scott that entire time. Townsend was obviously better than both, and has proven that the past two years as a starter. His game plan only worked when they faced a crappy QB. Good QBs picked his zone apart. Pittsburgh was so glad to get rid of him when he left. Just a terrible coach.
And the fact that you ever could have thought Polamalu was overrated? Have you watched him play prior to the postseason? He is all over the field on every play, like few players in NFL history have ever been. He is Greg Lloyd in a safety's body. I may name my first child Polamalu

Thanks for the props. As for Lewis, yes, even I knew that he was pretty mediocre in Pittsburgh However, he took a Giants defense without any healthy linebacker or any semblance of a secondary to a Top 10 rating. While Umenyiora and Strahan were sensational, Lewis must be given some credit for the success. I am guessing that you are the type of guy that has pictures of LC Greenwood and Jack Lambert above your bed.

Zack from Kansas City - Way to recycle last week’s sports stories. Keep up the good work

I am sorry. Perhaps I should write one of these every day so I don’t fall behind on what is going on in MLB in the middle of January. Well maybe if I get paid…..anyway thanks for the support and I am sure the signing of Elarton, Grudzielanek, Mientkiewicz, Bako will vault the Royals into the playoffs next year.

Josh from New York - I have to say I really enjoyed reading your rant. I think you should pursue this as a career - really impressed

And end my blossoming career as an unemployed hack – never…..

Brian from Buffalo - thanks for your insight on the Bills- I still prefer Sherman.

I bet you would also prefer Joe Cribbs, Joe Ferguson, Darryl Talley and most importantly Marv Levy – at least you got the 80 year old.

Mike from Maryland - Thank you for not blaming Gary for Chris McCray's suspension. I opened this week's rant with the anticipation of having to jump on the train to come up there and beat the hell out of you for taking another shot at one of the best coaches in college basketball. Losing Chris McCray didn't hurt much,because we are still going to be inconsistent with our without him. You can't expect to be a top ten competitor without a point guard or post presence. Why is everyone saying Seattle is going to lose. Offensive and Defensive lines win championships, and they have two of the best in the league. Troy Polamalu is over rated. All I keep hearing is how great he and Bob Sanders is. The NFC East has three safeties better than both of them, in Brian Dawkins, Roy Williams, and Sean Taylor.

I'm still waiting for you to call yourself out on that terrible prediction that the Giants were going to the Super Bowl. I still haven't read anything past February 5th because you have the Giants beating the New England in the Super Bowl. Unreal, not to mention the five field goals in the NFC title game by Feely. LOL, that was pretty funny...

And one more thanks, thank the NHL for leaving hockey alone. The new rules and rink sizes are so exciting. Maybe if they open the rink up to the size of a frozen Lake Champlain, eliminate all offensive penalties, and outlaw checking, that they're may be enough scoring to make it exciting. I doubt it.

I am not the world’s biggest Gary Williams fan but there is no way that a senior should EVER become academically ineligible. A school that spends over $1 million annually on support staff for the athletes can’t be held responsible for players not opening the books. As for the Super Bowl, I have already forgotten everything about that night except for the Parker run, the td pass by Randel El, and the “Code Black” on Grey’s Anatomy. As for the prediction – that is why it was a “MOCK YEAR in PREVIEW”. If you have missed that rant – it is in the archives on www.competitive-streak.com. It’s my favorite piece of writing since my illuminating thesis on the Fair Market Value on Options, and almost as interesting. NHL???? The only thing interesting about the NHL is the opportunity to share a jail cell with Rick Tocchet and Janet Gretzky – I would prefer Janet, Tocchet would kick my ass.

Joan from New Jersey - Great column!!!! Keep writing, it was truly interesting and informative

Wow, I have fans!!!

Except for one anyway…..

Jeff from New York...It's a good Super Bowl. You are terrible and don't forget you are the same person that said USC over Texas and Astros in 6..., and you suck.

Did you finish junior high? I write this column in shorthand and yet in comparison you make me look like James Joyce.

Congrats to Hines Ward, Nadia Comenici, Harry Carson and Warren Moon. Goodbye to the Bus, Ben’s beard, any pride that the NHL has left and Coretta Scott King.

Responses, Comments, - send it to theragingmiser@gmail.com

Until I feel like writing again…..

Has there ever been a week with more ridiculous examples of utter stupidity…..The teacher in Pittsburgh who had a student wearing a Broncos jersey sit in the middle of class and have other kids throw paper at him……University of Houston coach Tom Penders passes out on the floor and receives a technical foul for apparently over-reacting to a foul call…..Theo is not only back in Boston, but he is the GM – it is“déjà vu all over again”…..After everything Ron Artest has done to the Indiana Pacers, he has the gall to initially complain about a trade (though he did eventually relent)…..Isiah Thomas gets accused of sexual harassment – now we know where his mind was when he signed Jerome James to a $29 million contract….Nicholas Kiefer throwing his racket across the court as Sebastian Grosjean was slamming a ball in the Australian Open…..And my personal favorite, a youth football game coached by Snoop Dogg and Luther Campbell was stopped due to fighting – damn east coast/west coast feud never ends…..

What a boring pair of championship games…..I originally thought Troy Polamalu was over-rated, I stand corrected…..That Nick Goings/Lofa Tatupu collision was brutal…...Which Jake was worse – I vote for the one playing at home with a healthy running back higher than 5th string…..Pittsburgh, you are favored over the #1 NFC team so please stop with all of this “we are still disrespected” krap…..I would still take John Fox over just about any coach in the NFL…..Last week the Jets give up their head coach, this week the offensive coordinator breaks his contract – is the trainer too far behind?..... 500 stories about Jerome Bettis, his family and the city of Detroit – shoot me now…..10 new hires and was Art Shell even interviewed…..

The three remaining undefeated teams all lose to unranked teams on the road - interesting…..Winning 900 games at any level is an incredible accomplishment – whether it occurs at Tennessee, Kansas or St. Mary’s for the Poor – congrats Pat Summitt….. Pittsburgh was not going to go undefeated but to lose at St. Johns is not impressive – with their upcoming schedule, I see the walls tumbling down for Jamie Dixon…..Please stop comparing this Duke team to the 1992 championship edition – they are barely in the ballpark…..Wisconsin losing at home to North Dakota State is the most shocking result of the season….. How does a senior star player become academically ineligible – Chris McCray, you have destroyed Maryland’s year…..It’s nice to see that Baylor has started their season…..Great win for West Virginia at UCLA, even if the depleted Bruins started 5 underclassmen…..

Martina Hingis’s return has been stunningly impressive – she will be back in the Top 10 by the end of the year if she can stay healthy. Wouldn’t you like to see the Williams sisters have this kind of dedication…..The best of boxing – Manny Pacquiao avenging an earlier loss to Erik Morales with a brilliant 10th round TKO. The worst in boxing - Zab Judah loses in embarrassing fashion in his hometown and gets a title fight against Floyd Merriweather….. How much of a punk must you be to get kicked out of Florida State for “Conduct detrimental to the welfare of the football team” – Good Job Fred Rouse….Good PR week for Kobe, 1st the Olympics, then an 81 point effort against the Raptors…..

Super Bowl Pick
Pittsburgh 28 – Seattle 20….It would just not be right for a conference with 9 of the 10 best teams in the NFL this year to lose this game. They won’t.

Comments from the Front Row

Brian from Buffalo - Good rant- Jauron sucks- why did they pass up Sherman- Where is the hockey in the rant- the new game is awesome

Thanks for the compliment – I think it’s the first I have received since I started. The problem with Sherman is that everyone attributes the success of the Packers to Favre. Even though he was successful, I don’t really know how many NFL GM’s have a great deal of confidence in him. I think Jauron was a safe retread who instills little confidence in Buffalo fans. This is similar to how I felt when the Giants picked up Tom Coughlin – bleh. I would rather seen Ron Rivera, Tim Lewis or Jim Haslett (yes, I am serious) get the chance in Buffalo.

Wow, another hockey fan. When baseball was on strike in 1994, I lost interest for several years afterward, and never fully regained my passion for the sport. That is my feeling right now for hockey though I am looking forward to the Olympic tournament. I enjoy the shootouts greatly and maybe by June my interest in the NHL will be renewed.

Jeremy from Washington DC Good rant - I think you can come up with a better quote at the end or maybe I just didn't get it. You should also include some politics in the rant just to piss some people off or to get people more on board also include movie references and some porn. And focus more on way-too-young NBA prospects with a fetal scouting report segment.

2 compliments in a week - sweet. I quoted Wilson Pickett because he died earlier in the day and I felt like offering him some props. If I went into politics and/or entertainment – this would become a full-time endeavor (though I guess that I do have the time). As for the last sentence – you are a strange dude…..

Comments, opinions, insults….write theragingmiser@gmail.com

A tearful goodbye to both Chris Penn and Mario Lemieux – it was a pleasure to watch you both….

My bad on last week….family sickness, studying, and passing out in the middle of Madison Avenue was enough of a reason to take a one week hiatus…..Plus it is always encouraging to see that new MBA’s are receiving record salaries while an older one collects $404/week…..but onto more important things

Has there ever been a worse weekend for referees…..Why would anyone talk smack to Steve Smith - he is the best player in football right now….I think all Giants fans agreed with Tiki Barber – they were outplayed and outcoached…..After Polamalu “dropped” the interception, was there anyone outside of Indiana rooting for the Colts…..Great job as a teammate Peyton, maybe you should blame the “idiot kicker”…..Has anyone ever played two consecutively worse playoff games than Mark Brunell…..I know this is If a team is fined for not conducting minority interviews, should Kansas City face a punishment for hiring Herman Edwards without any other candidates…..BTW – Herm, the Jets/Chiefs situation is an absolute embarrassment…..5 turnovers is not the expected reason for a “dynasty” to collapse…..Green Bay – an interesting hiring of Mike McCarthy to say the least, were Rich Kotite, Ray Handley, and Jerry Glanville not available…..Ben Watson - gutsy, gutsy play…..Please explain why the Rams would select an offensive coordinator to be their new head coach…..And yes, my mid-season picks for the Super Bowl remain in play (see the 10/9 rant)…..

Pro Football Picks
Pittsburgh +3 over DENVER - Denver’s only advantage is their home field. That won’t be enough. Pittsburgh 23 - Denver 16

Carolina +5 over SEATTLE – The Seahawks would have lost by 6 points with a healthy Shaun Alexander. They will lose by more with him hampered by a concussion. Carolina 27 – Seattle 14

What exactly was Antonio Davis supposed to do – let his wife be physically harassed? He should have been ejected but no more than a 1-2 game suspension…..There is no excuse for AI walking out on a game early – who does he think he is, Randy Moss…..Carmelo Anthony is a heck of a player but not an Olympian…..did anyone think Toronto would have a winning record over a 20 game span at any point for the remainder of the decade…..The lack of discussion about Greg Oden and OJ Mayo jumping directly from high school to the pros seems strange but is enjoyable…..

What a non-descript year so far in college hoops…..I am starting to believe that more teams from the Missouri Valley Conference deserve to make the NCAA Tournament than from the Southeastern Conference…..Villanova shooting 25% from the field and only losing by 3 at Texas is really impressive. If Jason Fraser can stay healthy and give effective minutes, they may be interesting in March…...Maybe UCLA should hire a new trainer, half of their team is or has been hurt this year…..Can someone please explain Indiana, Kentucky or Louisville…..Jim Calhoun, why are you still talking smack to St. Johns – when exactly did your school become the bastion of goodness…..

Theo’s back with the Sox at a lesser position and salary – ok that makes a lot of sense….Would anyone be surprised if a pitcher from the Dominican Republic beaned AROD…..Doesn’t the US government have anything better to do than ban Cuba from playing baseball in the United States – obviously not…...Morales over Pacquiao in another bloody unanimous decision…..good bye Jerry Bailey…..

Hey look - people wrote me……

Dave from Maryland - I guess MD isn't that good, which i didn't think they were anyway...Struggled against Wake Forest, who said wasn't very good. I hope you can give some Hockey props in one of your articles about one of the greatest goals I've ever seen in hockey. .And I've been miserable watching the Capitals since day 1 back in 1972, Did you see Ovechkins goal? It's at least goal of the year....If he loses out to Crosby the NHL is a crock. Peace

If anyone thought Maryland would stay within 15 of Duke, they have not watched college basketball this season. No point guard or post presence will send Gary’s crew to a 1st round NCAA loss. Ovechin’s goal is the 2nd best one I have seen this year (Behind Marek Malik’s through the legs shootout goal over the Caps in mid-November). Crosby and Ovechkin are both studs – too bad nobody cares. Maybe the Olympics will reignite interest, but I doubt it.

Jeff from New York – 2 things 1) When did the NBA get so boring? 2) You are an idiot.

1) When Magic retired, Drazen died and once the only highlights being shown on Sportscenter were dunks…..
2) So? Then stop reading the column…..

Any other comments/questions, write the theragingmiser@gmail.com.....

Till we meet again – to quote the late great Wilson Pickett “I’m gonna wait till the midnight hour….. That’s when my love comes tumbling down”

Send any comments to theragingmiser@gmail.com

Man…The Back Page was rocking Wed. Night

For everyone bitching about USC going for it on 4th down, enough!!!! This is the “best offense ever” that amassed over 570 yards. Texas had not stopped them in over 2 quarters. They get 2 yards, they are immortal. They didn’t and they aren’t….

The “you have no balls” award:
1) Miami – by 37 to LSU??? These games are the reasons why people think football is fixed ….
2) Michigan – A team with Top 5 talent and Bottom 5 heart losing to an embarrassingly weak Nebraska team…..
3) Georgia Tech – A 28 point loss to Utah certainly warrants a 5 year extension to Yellow Jacket head coach Chan Gailey…..Welcome to permanent mediocrity – population G-Tech (Yes, it is a Simpsons reference…)
4) Marcus Vick – Hey Ron Mexico Jr…..Great talent, but a truly classless act pulling a Laettner step against Louisville….
5) The Officials – the last play of Michigan-Nebraska, the 1st td of the Rose Bowl, and about 3 or 4 other blatant misses…..
6) The kickers in the Orange Bowl – jeez, the coaches are going to die soon anyway, please don’t expedite matters…..
7) Me – When my top 4 picks are Michigan, PSU, Auburn and ASU, I deserve it…..

The “This is why I love college football” award:
1) THE BCS – No, I am not kidding….1 very good game, 2 great games, and the“Holy Sh*t” championship game since the Miami-Nebraska of 1984 ….
2) Vince Young – 467 total yards, 3 tds – simply incredible….but please stop talking about the Heisman…..
3) West Virginia – A fake punt with 2 minutes left, leading by 3 – Rich Rodriguez, go smoke a cigar for single-handedly restoring the credibility of the Big East…..
4) Troy Smith/Ted Ginn Jr. – The 2 headed monster was brilliant leading the Buckeyes to a convincing victory over ND…..
5) Reggie Campbell – 5 touchdowns in a bowl game victory over Colorado State puts him in rarified air…..
6) Travis LaTendresse – The sixth year senior caught 16 passes for 214 yards and 4 touchdowns leading Utah to an easy victory…..
7) Gallant performances in losing efforts – Rutgers (Tough loss at ASU, but played with enormous heart), Boise State (coming back from 27-0 in the 3rd quarter against a solid BC team), Georgia (A brilliant comeback from 28-0 down) and USC (nothing else needs to be said)…..
Top 5 for 2005-06 Top 5 Heisman Contenders
1) Ohio State 1) Vince Young, Texas
2) West Virginia 2) Adrian Petersen, Oklahoma
3) Texas 3) Brian Brohm, Louisville
4) Florida 4) Brady Quinn, ND
5) Louisville 5) Steve Slaton. West Virginia

Pro Football
Who has had a better 2nd half of the season, Larry Johnson or Tiki Barber - to close to call….The Bengals defense is not exactly looking championship caliber…..Jim Mora, nobody cares about back to back winning seasons…..Brett Favre and Marshall Faulk, it has been an absolute pleasure…..Did anyone else know that Ty Law had 10 interceptions this year…..

Predictions:
Washington over Tampa Bay
New England over Jacksonville
Cincinnati over Pittsburgh
Carolina over New York

I am out like Maurice Clarett’s freedom….

Send any comments to theragingmiser@gmail.com

The mock year in preview….enjoy

Jan.1 - San Francisco beats Houston 23-17 in overtime on Alex Smith’s 1st touchdown pass – a 65 yard bomb to Brandon Lloyd. As Lloyd begins to celebrate, he has to avoid objects being thrown at him by the irate 49er fans, who realize that their chance to draft Reggie Bush is lost.

Jan. 2. After an easy win over Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl, Charlie Weis shockingly accepts a 6-year $45 million deal to be the Coach/GM of the Houston Texans. In a surprise move, the Fighting Irish hire (or rehire) George O’Leary as their new coach. O’Leary claims that he has atoned for his prior sins and is ready for the challenge. The Black Coaches Association is laughing so hard that no protest about black coaches being interviewed is issued

Jan. 2 – The West Virginia/Georgia Sugar Bowl ends in a double overtime thriller. Unfortunately, the ratings are 3rd in their timeslot behind “Two and a Half Men” and “Las Vegas”. A BCS board member was heard grumbling ”That’s it. We are kicking the Big East out of the BCS.”

Jan. 3 – Penn State and Florida State play a brutally boring game with the Nittany Lions winning a 23-3 yawner. The match up is so dull that both Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno leave during the second half to take a nap. Actually, since the game started at 8:30, neither coach could stay up for the second half.

Jan. 4 – In a shocking turn of events, the NCAA resuspends Matt Leinart for appearing on ESPN. Two hours later, Reggie Bush signs with Drew Rosenhaus and is immediately deemed ineligible for the Rose Bowl later that night. At the press conference, when asked why Bush signed prior to the game, Rosenhaus continually replied with “No Comment”. Despite these incidents, USC would cruise to a 37-16 victory led by backup QB John David Booty and RB LenDale White.

Jan. 8 – The only surprise winner during wild-card weekend was Pittsburgh, who easily romped in the snow at Denver. In response to how the Steelers won, Bill Cowher stated “Because Mike Shanahan is the only coach whose teams fold worse in the playoffs than mine”.

Jan. 11 – Duke’s undefeated run ends with a stunning 4th consecutive loss to the University of Maryland. After the game, the police use pepper spray and batons to calm the loud and drunk fans. Athletic Director Debbie Yow states “This is progress. The 13 arrests are 6 less than after last year’s Duke game.”

January 12th – Still unsure if Jason Giambi can manage an entire year at 1st base, New York Yankee GM Brian Cashman signs a well-established backup at a minimum salary, Rafael Palmeiro.

Jan. 14th – Chicago leads Seattle 7-0 in the 1st quarter and is driving when Rex Grossman breaks his ankle. On the following play, Kyle Orton throws an interception which his returned for a touchdown. Chicago will score 2 more defensive touchdowns but will lose in overtime on another interception thrown by Orton.

Jan. 15 – I was going to make a line about how Indianapolis would choke again to New England – but after what happened last week that doesn’t seem quite right. God Bless the Dungy family – BTW, New England 27 – Indy 24.

January 20th – Isiah Thomas quits as the GM of the NY Knicks to become the commissioner of the NBDL. Thomas states that he has accomplished his goals as a GM and feels that the NBDL is the only league that he has yet to complete screw up or screw over. Larry Brown takes over as GM and promptly trades Stephon Marbury for Eric Snow, a 1st round pick and $20 million. Marbury claims that “With me, Hughes and Lebron, there is no way we can lose and I will prove that I am the best point guard in the NBA.” Alas, the Cavs would make the playoffs but lose in the 1st round to the Nets, who have been rejuvenated by their new triumvirate of Kidd, Jefferson and Artest.

January 22nd – With 35 seconds to go in the AFC championship, Chad Johnson catches a 60 yard td pass to give Cincinnati a 21-20 lead over New England. His celebration dance includes a sheep, a cheerleader and two cattle prods. Unfortunately, two unsportsmanlike conduct penalties are assessed and the Bengals are forced to kick from their 5 yard line. New England returns the kickoff to midfield and Tom Brady completes 2 passes leading to a game winning kick from Adam Viniteri. In the NFC title game, Jay Feely kicks 5 field goals, including the game winning 52-yarder at the buzzer, to lead the New York Giants to a come from behind 29-27 victory over the Seattle Seahawks.

February 4th – The best boxing trilogy of the decade comes to a close as Diego Corrales wins a disputed split decision over Jose Luis Corrales. Watching the fight and seeing the number of PPV buys, Floyd Mayweather comments “I am the best fighter in the world, why can’t I draw like that?” Fellow spectator and welterweight champion Zab Judah replies “Because you fight freaking pu**ies”. The next day a Judah-Mayweather fight is signed for June.

February 5th – As has been in the norm in the prior Super Bowls with New England, the 1st half is slow and ends in a 3-3 tie. The halftime show is highlighted by a collective moon from Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. To make matters worse, the half-time show loses its time period to a special “Pimp my Ride” on MTV and to the Lingerie Bowl on pay-per-view. The 2nd half is a classic see-saw battle with Tom Brady and Tiki Barber keeping their teams in the game. Down 2 with only minutes remaining, Brady coolly drives the Pats downfield but is lucky to avoid 2 dropped interceptions by Will Allen. With Adam Viniteri ready to kick the game winning field goal, the impossible happens….a bad snap from the deep snapper throws everything into chaos. The holder, tried to throw a desperation pass to Mike Vrabel, who snuck downfield into the end-zone. Vrabel was tackled by a desperate Nick Griesen, not allowing him to go up for the game winning catch. Incredibly, no interference was called as the ball fell harmlessly to the ground. The New York Giants win Super Bowl 27-26.

February 8th – Within the 1st 7 minutes of a game on ESPN, Dick Vitale mentions the name J. J. Redick 16 times. After stating that Redick was “Awesome with a capital A” co-commentator, Dan Schulman, turned to him and said “Dick, you do realize that we are announcing the Indiana-Wisconsin game?” Dick looked at him blankly stating “Who?”

February 10th – The Winter Olympics begin in Torino, Italy. The Italians put on a brilliant spectacle. Unfortunately, after the US is announced everyone shuts off the television and nobody watches the remainder of the ceremony.

February 12th - Trying to make amends for a terrible PR year, Terrell Owens is playing in a charity touch football game on the beach during Pro Bowl weekend when he takes a wrong step and tears up his knee. Owens never plays another game.

February 18th – During a Louisville – Syracuse game, CBS announces that Connecticut point guard Marcus Williams has been arrested again for grand theft. The next day, Huskies coach Jim Calhoun states that Williams will be suspended once again, this time for a single home game against Notre Dame. Somewhere, Jerry Tarkanian is laughing.

February 23rd – Michelle Kwan finally wins her long-denied gold medal and immediately receives in-person congratulations from President Bush. When Kwan asks why Bush is at the event, the response was “He has no better place to be.”

February 28th – In the same way that a charge has been renamed a “Battier”, Dick Vitale officially renames the 3 pointer a “Redick”. Adam Morrison claims “Damn East Coast Bias.”

March 4th – Kansas State breaks their 29 game losing streak to Kansas 73-64. A tired Jayhawk coach Bill Self was heard muttering to himself “Only 223 days until Midnight Madness.”

March 11th – In a fight that happens 5 years too late, Bernard Hopkins easily decisions Roy Jones, Jr. When asked about the disappointing number of PPV buys, Hopkins replies “This is Championship Week on ESPN – who is going to watch 2 fighters that were a collective 0-3 last year? The people that bought this pay-per-view are idiots.” Both boxers retire after the fight.

March 12th – Immediately following the release of the NCAA Basketball Men’s brackets, Dick Vitale appears on ESPN. He states “How can 9 teams not make the tournament from the Big East? Please explain how a 15-13 Notre Dame can be bypassed for a 23-5 Creighton team? It makes no sense” On CBS, Billy Packer just sounds bored and bitter.

March 20th – The Dominican Republic triumphs over the US 4-3 in the championship game of the World Baseball Classic. 3rd baseman David Wright strikes out with the bases loaded in the 9th inning, completing a miserable 2-31 streak during the tournament. Curt Schilling dejectedly remarks “Like A-Rod would have done any better.”

April 2nd - A well-rested Alex Rodriguez hits three home runs on opening day off of Rich Harden, already exhausted from pitching 3 times in the World Baseball classic. By the end of the month, he will have 23 home runs, 16 of them with the Yankees holding at least a 5 run lead.

April 4th – Gonzaga finally completes the decade long Cinderella story by beating Washington 94-91 in overtime behind 41 points from Adam Morrison. When the all-final four team is announced, three players from Duke are included though they lost by 16 in the semifinals.

April 8th – The New York Rangers and Boston Bruins play the 1st game of hockey on NBC this year. The game is a barnburner – ending in a 2-2 tie with the Rangers winning the shootout on Jaromir Jagr’s 56th goal of the season. Unfortunately, NBC loses the ratings battle to a rerun of Pot-Limit Omaha from the 2004 World Series of Poker on ESPN 2

April 9th – Tiger Woods is winning by 3 strokes at the Masters entering Amen Corner. However, as Woods shanks a drive into the woods, he screams an epithet which is picked up by CBS. Augusta National Golf Club Chairman, Hootie Johnson hears the comment and to everyone’s disbelief, immediately disqualifies Woods. A satisfied smirk comes over Johnson’s face. Unfortunately for Hootie, qualifier Michelle Wie comes from behind to win the title over Vijay Singh in a playoff. Both Johnson and Singh promptly announce their retirements, for very different reasons.

April 19th – With a playoff spot on the line, Kobe Bryant scores only 8 points against New Orleans, foregoing the scoring championship to Allan Iverson. While this team-first concept is refreshing, the resulting 26 point loss knocks the Lakers out of the playoff hunt.

April 29th – With the 1st pick of the NFL draft, Houston surprisingly selects Brady Quinn from Notre Dame, reuniting him with newly hired coach Charlie Weis. Texans fans at the draft promptly put the garbage bags over their heads. Saints fans reply “you need 20 more years of ignominy before you have earned that right”.

May 1st – Johnny Damon returns to Boston to a thunderous booing. He ducks the batteries being thrown at him, which unfortunately hit Gary Sheffield. Sheffield attacks the fans but is held back by Alex Rodriguez, who is trying to play peacemaker on both sides. In response, both Sheffield and the Boston fans go after Rodriguez.

May 9th - In a furious comeback, Liverpool comes from 14 points back in the last month of the season to hold off Chelsea and Manchester United each by a single point. This is considered the best ending to an English Premiership Season in recent memory. Unfortunately, these three teams make up ½ of the English World Cup team. The players are so mentally, emotionally and physically spent that they never fully recover in time and once again England falters in the World Cup.

May 19th – Roger Clemens tells the Houston Astros that he will resign for one more year only if his son Koby becomes his personal catcher. Clemens states that with these conditions he will sign for a reduced price of $13 million. The Astros, 12-16 at this point, eagerly make the deal.

May 26th – In the deciding game of the NBA conference semifinals, the upstart Orlando Magic stun the Detroit Pistons with a heart-stopping 94-91 victory. Grant Hill scores 39 points, including 19 in the 4th quarter. Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan turn to each other as the game ends and say at the same time “If only he could have stayed healthy….” On the other hand Larry Brown, commenting for ABC, states “I knew it was the right time to leave Detroit.”

June 2nd – The Chicago Blackhawks come from nowhere to win the Stanley Cup over the Tampa Bay Lightning. The deciding game is won in Chicago where it is unfortunately blacked out because of a lack of a sellout. All sports bars are televising the Cubs/Pirates (because the White Sox STILL don’t matter).

June 9th – For the 2nd consecutive World Cup, there is a shock in the opening match as home team Germany is stunned by Costa Rica 2-0. Germany meekly goes out of the tournament, amassing only 1 point in the next two games. Almost immediately, scientists from the old East Germany begin to meet again with alarming regularity.

June 10th – After losing to Rafael Nadal in the French Open semifinals, Lleyton Hewitt comments “It’s not his strokes or his serve; it’s those damn Capri pants. Its like I am playing against a girl.” Bud Collins takes offense. Once again, Hewitt will barely lose out in the Miss Congeniality award.

June 17th – Floyd Mayweather knocks out Zab Judah in the 11th round to spectacularly win the unified welterweight championship. Unfortunately, this is the same night as Evander Holyfield vs. Mike Tyson III, with Tyson finally beating his greatest rival. Though all real boxing fans watch the Mayweather-Judah fight, they amass less than 1/4th of the total audience of the Tyson-Holyfield brawl. After the loss, Holyfield states that he will continue to fight until he wins the heavyweight championship because it is Jesus’s will. Someone snidely remarks “Maybe this is more for his nine kids out of wedlock than Jesus’s will.”

June 21st – The NBA draft lottery takes place at halftime of Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals with the Lakers, Celtics and Knicks securing the 1st 3 picks. When asked about having the 3rd choice, Larry Brown unhappily remarks that “Damn Stern could have moved us into the Top 2….it’s a conspiracy I tell you.” Bill Simmons remarks that he sounds and looks exactly like the warden in “The Shawshank Redemption” right after he realized Andy Dufraine escaped from prison.

June 23rd – Billy Wagner blows his 6th save of the season for the New York Mets at Shea Stadium. As he departs the mound, you hear the crowd chanting “LOOPER, LOOPER…”

June 25th – In the biggest surprise of the World Cup, the US beats Brazil 2-1 behind 2 goals from Brian McBride. Unfortunately, the Yankees-Marlins game is on every TV in every bar in the city, forcing all soccer fans to follow via the internet.

June 29th – The Tour de France begins….nobody cares.

July 2nd – The San Antonio Spurs confirmed their place in NBA immortality by defeating the Orlando Magic in 6 surprisingly competitively games. Despite the Spurs victory, most of the accolades are placed upon the Magic and their new coach, Stan Van Gundy. When asked about his “resignation” from the Miami Heat and more specifically Pat Riley, Van Gundy rolled his eyes and commented sarcastically “Yeah, like 4 teenagers really want to hang out with their father. What world do you live in?”

July 9th – The US completes their miracle run by beating Argentina in the World Cup Final 1-0. President Bush runs onto the field to offer his congratulations. When captain Landon Donovan asks what he is doing here, Bush replies “Well, I was so enamored with Italy during the Winter Olympics that I wanted to see all that Europe has to offer. I have not returned to the States since.”

July 13th – Disgusted with their under .500 start, George Steinbrenner decides it is time to become involved once again in day to day matters. He promptly fires GM Brian Cashman and manager Joe Torre and announces the hiring of Theo Epstein as the new GM. Bill Simmons starts to write a column about this but becomes preoccupied with letters from his fans about masturbation and wrestling.

July 14th – At the circus-like press conference, Steinbrenner announces that he is hiring Billy Martin as the new manager. A sudden hush comes over the crowd as a confused Peter Gammons says “George, Billy has been dead for 15 years.” George replies “Okay – how about Joe Girardi?” Gammons says quizzically “He is the manger of the Marlins.” An exasperated Steinbrenner sighs and loudly yells “How about Pinella?” When Gammons nods his head in approval, George says ”Fine, he is hired!!!”

July 22nd - Buoyed by the signings of Reggie Sanders, Doug Mientkiewicz and Scott Elarton, the Royals surprisingly jump in front of a strong Central Division. Manager Buddy Bell remarks “With Zack Greinke and Mike Sweeney along with the new additions, there is no stopping this team.” The Royals promptly drop 15 of 16 and end up with 90 losses, which is a 15 game improvement over last year.

July 30th – For the first time ever, no players are elected to the Hall of Fame. In a highly disputed move, baseball immediately lifts the ban on Joe Jackson and Pete Rose, allowing both to join. The deciding vote is cast by famed spitball pitcher Gaylord Perry. Bud Selig comments “Sometimes decisions have to be made. I mean, we had a tie in the All-Star game a few years back and there were no repercussions. OK – maybe a few repercussions”

August 4th – Mario Lemieux announces his retirement from hockey. He remarks “When I started playing in the NHL, hockey was one of the four major sports in the United States. Now, it is behind NASCAR and golf. The Penguins, which I have given my heart and soul to for the last 2 some-odd years will have to move in the next year or two or face bankruptcy. I hope Bob Goodenow rots in hell.”

August 10th – The main event of the World Series of Poker ends with a 4th straight no-name winning. This player has only participated in internet and friendly games prior to the event, but he stuns Phil Ivey with a full house on the river to take $12 million in prize money. When asked about what he does for a living, the champion states that “He just continuously gets masters degrees and writes rambling soliloquies for a psychiatrist’s website.” On a related topic, nothing happened in sports for the next two weeks.

August 20th – Tiger Woods wins the PGA championship which is his 3rd major of 2006. When asked about the Masters debacle which ruined his Grand Slam bid, Tiger just replies “Well, now I have someone I hate more than Fuzzy Zoeller.”

August 25th – Brett Favre tears his ACL and his career comes to a tragic end. Everyone at the podium is in tears as he thanks all of his teammates, coaches…..Then he reaches for the painkillers and everyone yells “NO!!!!!” He looks at everyone, winks, says “Just Kidding…..” and walks off with a smile on his face.

September 4th – Andy Roddick comments after an easy quarterfinal victory about the great US Open fans. All of the twenty-something guys in the crowd respond “Get your butt off the court – we want Sharapova.” In response, all of the girls in the crowd respond “Screw her – take as loooooooonnnnnnnggggggg as you want Andy.”

September 5th – In a game that makes the 10-7 barnburner of last year look like a free-for-all, Florida State beats Miami 7-6 in the opener for both teams. Hurricane coach Larry Coker half-jokingly remarks “Maybe next year we can play in August.”

September 9th – In revenge for their loss at Columbus in 2005, Ohio State wins at Texas 27-16 behind 2 kickoff returns from Ted Ginn Jr. The vaunted Buckeye defense intercepts Vince Young 3 times and pretty much ends his Heisman campaign before it starts. Young is heard muttering “Why exactly did I listen to Leinart? I ain’t hanging in Hollywood and banging every girl in sight. I turned down $25 million for this?”

September 17th – In his 1st career start, Reggie Bush runs for 153 yards and 2 tds leading the NY Jets to their 1st victory of the season. As Brady Quinn threw for 3 interceptions, the Texans fans still refuse to remove the bags from their heads.

September 26th – The Atlanta Braves win their 15th consecutive division title, coming from behind to beat the New York Mets and their beleaguered closer Billy Wagner. Unfortunately, they will lose in the divisional playoffs again to the Astros, with Cy Young Winner Roger Clemens winning games 1 & 4.

October 4th – The NHL season begins with no national TV contract. However, local Blackhawk games are televised on channel 99 in Aurora, Illinois following a local rock show hosted by 2 guys named Wayne and Garth.

October 15th – Midnight Madness begins for many hopeful college basketball programs. Dick Vitale is at Cameron Indoor Stadium proclaiming that “J.J. Redick is the pre-season Player of the Year.” His partner Brent Musburger looks at him incredulously and reminds him that Redick was playing for the NBA Dukies, otherwise known as the LA Clippers (Brand, Maggette, Ewing…..).

October 21st – Notre Dame is off to a sluggish 3-4 start after losing to UCLA. George O’ Leary has a prepared statement announcing his resignation effective immediately. AD Kevin Rogers announces his replacement, a man who understands the true legacy of Notre Dame football, Lou Holtz.

October 28th – The Houston Astros come from a two game deficit to beat the New York Yankees in a thrilling 7 game World Series. With 2 games each won by ex-Yankees Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens, a furious George Steinbrenner fires both Theo Epstein and Lou Pinella and announces he will take over both positions. Donald Sterling hears about this, promptly fires Elgin Baylor and Mike Dunleavy from the Clippers and follows George’s lead.

November 2nd – The Clippers fold as a franchise.

November 16th – Stuart Scott says “Booyah” for the 20,000th time on SportsCenter. He is congratulated for finally passing Chris Berman’s “Back, back, back” phrase as the most overused comment in television history.

November 25th – Notre Dame ends the season 7-5 after almost ending USC’s 46 game winning streak. However, Lou Holtz resigns amid some recruiting violations committed in the month since his return to the ND bench. The names being thrown around for the position are numerous “Bob Davie?”, “Ty Willingham”, “Is Ara Parseghian still alive?”

December 9th – Adrian Peterson easily wins the Heisman Trophy, scoring 18 touchdowns and leading Oklahoma back to the BCS. Vince Young is once again the runner-up and comments “We lost to the Sooners and I am runner-up for this damn trophy again, good choice dumbass.”

December 16th – Andre Agassi finally announces his retirement from tennis. However his 5 year old son, Jaden Gil, will be making his professional debut at the Australian Open in January. Nike and Adidas are each offering 8 digit contracts for his marketing rights.


I know the last two months are kind of slow but this took long enough. Happy New Year to everyone….

The Miser

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